Just Look Away

Posted on December 24, 2010

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This is a series about movies that I watch – so you don’t have to.

Against the Dark

This 2009 straight-to-video “supernatural thriller” prominently features Steven Seagal’s name above the title. It has no Rotten Tomatoes score (where only 18% of viewers reported liking it).

Why bother?

Dude! It’s Steven Seagal! And vampires! Okay, okay, even with that, you know it’s going to be awful. Some awful movies are fun, though. Right?

I watched it.

In the near future, a plague wipes out most of humanity, converting many of the rest into bloodsucking ghouls. The movie calls them vampires, but they look and act more like the fast zombies from 28 Days Later. The rest of the setting is a muddled mess that makes no sense. I mean, most of humanity is wiped out, but the US military is still fully functional and capable of scrambling jets armed with precision-guided munitions?

Most of the plot follows a group of survivors as they try to make their way out of a building. It’s only one building (if it looks familiar, it’s because they used footage from Kingdom Hospital), but they have to evade the bad guys and argue over rumors about whether or not a safe camp exists.

Meanwhile, Steven Seagal and a bunch of nameless people in black pleather trenchcoats wander through the shadows armed with swords and looking very, very serious. Occasionally they get in fights with what you assume are vampires, but the shadows are too dark for you to see anything. Seagal gets a couple of lines of dialogue, but they sound like responses to dialogue that got cut from the release.

Eventually a plot of sorts develops. The military is going to bomb the whole area, and somehow that will wipe out all the vampires (guaranteed). In the last half hour of the film, our survivors bump into Seagal’s hunters, and some action happens. There’s something about a crazy doctor whose daughter is infected yet able to control her hunger, but that’s an afterthought.

Verdict

Seagal made some fun kung-fu action movies early in his career. This movie isn’t any of them. It’s boring. It’s not bad in a fun way. Just look away.

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Posted in: Movies