I Would Suck

Posted on April 13, 2011

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I would suck as a guest investigator on any show about paranormal activity.

Education

I have a liberal arts degree. I consider myself a fan of science and math, rather than a scientist or a mathematician. That said, I favor the simplest possible explanation and I look for real, concrete sources when I hear a weird noise in my house, or when the hair stands up on the back of my neck. I will never be an expert in plumbing, like the two hosts of Ghost Hunters on SyFy, for example, and I have no interest in becoming a parapsychologist, but I won’t tell you that your house is haunted if your closet keeps opening because the door wasn’t hung properly.

Experience

I have a lot of experience. When it’s time for me to got to my rest, I’ll be able to say that I lived a life. A lot of the investigators and hosts of these kinds of programs seem to have very little real-world experience. Watch any episode of Destination Truth (SyFy, again) and watch them freak themselves out in the woods at night. There’s nothing there, folks. You came searching for evidence. Stay objective and calm until or unless you find it. That’s critical when you’re miles from civilization and medical support.

Logic

I’m just too rational for these shows. The investigators often get side-tracked, succumb to group-think, and let their emotional responses cloud their decisions and observations. Then there’s Haunted on Animal Planet, which is supposed to be about animals and the supernatural, but seems to keep forgetting about the animals.

Strong Minded

I like to think for myself. I listen to others. I value their opinions. I just want to do some research and decide for myself. Sometimes that means that I play devil’s advocate just to get the group to think through issues more thoroughly. If I’m walking down a hallway in an abandoned mental asylum in the middle of the night with three other people, then I’m not going to see things just because one of my companions asks, “Did you see that?”

Mea Culpa

I have to admit that this week’s “I Would Suck” is at least about how much these shows have gone off the rails as it is about my own strengths. The first few seasons of Ghost Hunters were all about the TAPS team helping people by explaining that they needed better insulation (or grounding) for their fuse boxes, or to change the filters in the ventilation ducts, or how traffic lights at night made moving shadows on the walls. Now it’s all about sensationalism so SyFy can get better ratings. The producers have lost track of the fact that unless you can debunk most of what you find, those that you cannot debunk lose their sparkle.

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